Becoming decisive 

Welcome back to another episode of how to twenty-something and boy am I glad you decided to give this episode a listen, wink wink

And that’s because today’s episode is all about becoming decisive, why it’s important to stand behind your decisions, and what happens if you end up regretting the decision you did make

I did a workshop on developing decision making skills last summer, it was literally called from doubt to decision so it’s about time that I enlighten you guys listening about what it takes to become a decisive person

And if you want to stay up to date on any upcoming workshops, because I am working on one for the end of Janaury, if you want helpful adulting resources, and receive life hacks every month then you should join my confidence club and head to the show notes by downloading your first free resource that assesses how well you’re doing in adulthood

It’s just a fun little quiz that will give you a score and tell you what that score means and steps to begin improving some of your lagging areas

All you have to do is head to the show notes and click the link that says assess your adulting skills, put in your name and email and then check your inbox for your pdf

But back on topic to being able to make decisions let’s start with why this is an important skill to develop especially in your twenties

Outwardly, when you are decisive you are representing yourself as confident in being able to navigate life’s challenges

It gives you a sense of authority or leadership because you are able to decide on a choice you’re between which results in strengthening your own self-trust and coincides with other people’s abilities to trust you

Consequently, your inability to make a decision shows a lack of belief in yourself to be able to handle future outcomes, whether those outcomes are good or bad

Indecisiveness lets you play small and hide out because you don’t trust your own judgment, therefore why should anyone else trust your judgment too

And I don’t want that for you, I want to help you stand tall, play big, and outwardly commit to your word, thought, or action

And then know what to do if things aren’t panning out in the way you hoped

Now, I understand that the higher the stakes this decision is, the less likely you are to full commit and believe in your ability to choose because the potential repercussions are much greater

So we’re not going to focus on those big daunting decisions just yet, but rather start with your day to day life so you can build the momentum and resilience you need for those tougher decisions

There’s a saying that small hinges swing big doors, so start small, start with decisions that are more low stakes and it’ll make the bigger scarier decisions more digestible and build up your decision making tolerance

I also want to make a point that being indecisive, to an extent, is perfectly normal and it’s because the decision you are making is paired with the lovely fear of the unknown

And you’ve heard me talk about this fear for quite some time now but to remind you, the fear of the unknown is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe and alive

Our brains hate what it doesn’t know and when you go make a decision there is no way to know what the outcome is going to be so your brain is like stop, stop what you’re doing right now, do not proceed, we could die

Even if that decision is saying yes to a new job opportunity in your same city

So it’s quite possible that the more indecisive you feel about a particular decision the more important this decision is to you, meaning the higher the stakes and risks are and the scarier the commitment feels

But don’t worry, because I have the tips and tricks to help you feel confident about the decision you are making and those decisions range from what spread to put on your toast in the morning to leaving your current industry for a brand new one

So let’s start with smaller ways you can begin building your decision making ability and recognizing that that is what you’re doing

I just said choosing a spread for your toast is one decision you can make that is low stakes, but another one could be picking out an outfit to wear for that day

If you’re someone who is down bad in their decision making skills then picking out and committing to an outfit might feel very difficult and then I’d invite you to go listen to the episode titled wear your closet

But starting with the next outfit you need to wear, I want you to go into your closet and pick out an outfit and do not change your mind about that outfit

I know it’s the absolute worst when you have a vision of an outfit in your mind and then it does not come to life when you go to put it on

But we’re practicing decisiveness and in order to practice this skill in a very easy, low risk way, I need you to commit to the outfit you originally thought of, put it on, and wear it for that entire event, if not day, and yes it could be the gym

Another way to practice being decisive and acknowleding that you do have the abiltiy to decide is knowing what’s for dinner tonight

You could even have someone offer you two choices for dinner and you have to pick one

I had a client last year where her husband would never come up with the plan for dinner and it would always be on my client to decide and she was getting really annoyed by it 

She felt like a bad wife for not knowing what was for dinner but was too tired to think of meal every single night

She also felt she was expected to make this whole meal every single night and I coached her around what constitues a full meal and why did she feel like it needed to be a whole production

As a result, I helped her come up with two things: the first consisted of easy meal structures that limit thinking and ingredients and then the second was to give her husband options and he could pick one

I remember her saying, it’s like I’m treating him like a toddler by giving him options to choose from and I disagreed and explained to her that everyone loves options because it takes the broader question, in this example, what should we do for dinner, and narrows it down to do you want italian or mediterranean

And then from there you make the easy structure meal based on the category of the cuisine

There’s an important, often overlooked, part of decision making and that is decision fatigue

You see, we all reach decision fatigue by the end of the day

No one wants to come up with a dinner plan because you spent that whole day deciding on various factors in your life

Starting with what time should you wake up, what do you eat for breakfast, what do you wear, what task do you work on first, what’s for lunch, etc

If you broke down your day you would quickly realize it’s filled with having to make decisions

Which is good on the one hand that you are able to prove to yourself that you can be decisive and follow through on that decision

But it’s bad because by the end of the day you don’t want to make any decisions anymore

So when it comes time to make a really big potentially life changing decision you’re already tired and it makes it that much more difficult to decide on the matter at hand

It’s a mind muscle and the more you use it throughout the day the more tired you’re going to be by the end of the day for even more decisions

So we need to build up your decision making endurance or decrease the amount of decisions you’re making throughout the day

Like on Sundays you can meal prep a lot of your meals so then that’s one less thing to think about during your week

Similarly you can lay out your clothes for the week so you don’t have to decide on that either

You can make a tasks list of what needs to get done so again you’re not rethinking day in and day out what you need to do

That way you don’t reach your decision limit by 3pm and are incapable of answering the broad what’s for dinner question that comes every day like clock work

Now, I understand these are all low level decisions but they compound on each other 

It also means that when it’s time to make a big decision you need to give yourself the time and space to think on it in the first half of your day

When you are at your strongest mentally

The bigger decisions require the most amount of thought and energy so plan ahead for what day and time you really want to think about what you’re next move is

Do you need to be well fed, caffeinated, worked out, and any other self care detail that is going to help you think more clearly about the decision you’re torn between

Big decisions consist of do you want to be in a relationship with someone, move in with your partner, do you want to leave this relationship, dfo you want to move to a new city, do you want a new job, a new career, leave the 9-5 world entirely, do you want to invest in a coach or a certification or going back to school

A big decision signifies a significant change in your current life from your location, to what you’re doing during the day, to who you’re spending your time with since the way you are currently operating on a day to day basis is going to be disrupted to some extent

Your commute could change, your location, your environment, etc and it can feel very conflicting when life isn’t THAT bad but you also know there is a possibilty around the corner that could make it a whole lot better

It’s the sunk cost fallacy where when something isn’t bad enough for you to leave so you decide stay but constantly have this inner turmoil filled with what ifs and unmet needs

And then you start overthinking and playing out every scenario in your head resulting you in feeling paralyzed with what deicsion to make for yourself our of fear of making the wrong decision or regretting the one you do make

But the unmet needs are going to keep you stuck unless you DECIDE to do something about it

I saw a tiktok clip recently and it was talking about the cirlcle and the square theory, this clip was in terms of relationships where one person is getting all of there needs met and they represent the circle, but the square has gaps of unmet needs in their corners and so the relationship is not helathy for that square, but I think it is very applicable to your life as a whole

If you are feeling indecisive about your life, whatever categroy it may be, then there’s a chance that you are the square and your life is the circle, so they are not lining up and resulting in some empty gaps in your life

Allow me to explain, picture a gray square in your mind and then place a red circle inside the square where all four sides of this square are being touched

You’ll notice that there are going to be gaps where you see a lot of gray areas in each corner of the square becasue a circle cannot fully fill up a square shape

Those empty areas are your unmet needs, so fill in what you’re disatisifed with at this present moment, whether that be your job your relationship, the city you’re in, your friendships

And know that you’re meeting the needs of the circle: your job requirments, your friends needs, your partner, your city, but you’re needs aren’t being fully met

Which is leaving you in this partiuclar predicament of should you stay or should you go

I know more times than not we get caught up in the logistics of what the “correct” choice is, either based on our upbringing, societal pressure, or input from friends and family, that we lose touch of what we’re trying to create in our individual lives

We tend to let our human brains take over or words from other people influence us, rather than listening to our own gut and choosing the option that feels the best for us

Which is why I want to remind you that decisiveness isn’t about always being right; it’s about embracing the process, learning from outcomes, and refining your choices as you grow

Besides, any bad outcome from a deicison you made helps you become more adaptable and resilient to future bad outcomes

Which are inevitable because being in our twenties makes us the babies of the adult world and you’re either going to learn from your successes or your failures

And I know we would all much rather learn from our wins, but that’s unrealistic 

Plus, failures help us to not repeat the same mistakes or know what to do when we are put in a similar predicament later on

A few episodes ago I brought on a guest, her name was Laurie and she talked about being the leader of your life, and whether you’ve listened to that episode or not, she did say on very important statement that I want to reiterate and expand on and that was you cannot make a wrong decision

I mean think about it, every decision you’ve made up until this point has brought you to where you’re at right now

And maybe you haven’t loved all of your decisions, maybe you don’t love where you’re at right now, I know there are certain decisions I wish I had made differently, but you do have a proven track record that you can get yourself out of any situation you find yourself in

Because guess what, if you don’t like the decision you made, you get to decide what you want to do about it

The caveat is you do need to give something a chance before you fully write off how terrible of a decision it was

For example, let’s say you accepted a new job and after the first month you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake

Take a second and evaluate why this is terrible, ask yourself are you in a worse position than your previous job, why did you accept this new role, is there anyone at your company you can turn to to make this new job more desirable 

Like if you’re really stressed and confused, can you find a mentor and speak up and ask for help

At the end of the day it all comes down to what you have control over, and in the case of being decisive, it’s a matter of the choices you are actively choosing to make

To stay or leave and then all of the decisions that come after that intial one

But it becoming decisive starts with picking one side and seeing it through

Giving it a chance

Being scared and doing it anyways, or what my coach likes to preach which is say yes before you know how

I have immense faith in you that you will be able to figure out the path you’re deciding to take, because if you were to break your life down, you would realize that everything is figuroutable 

And if you’re in doubt about your decisions and the figuroutability, my made up word, of it then play the ‘and then what’ game with yourself

I love doing this with clients, together we walk through both paths and I continue to ask them and then what happens and have them come up with what they would do if that scenario did take place

Most recently is was about accepting a new job and she was worried about whether she would actually like it and stay or be back to job hopping again

So we went in both directions starting with the bad scenario because that’s the one creating all this doubt and we kept going until she realized that her worst case scenario is figuroutable so why is she stressing so much

You see, there is a solution to every problem, every mistake, every failure as long as you keep moving forward

I always think of the movie meet the robinsons when it comes to staying innovative in your own life becuase that was the main characters tag line: you can do anything as long as you keep moving forward

Or my other favorite movie quote from a Cinderella story is never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game

Yes, reflect on the past and learn what you could have done better or what you can do differently next time, but the growth that comes with taking a risk or a chance on yourself will have immense pay outs down the line

No what ifs or fears of regrets because you know deep down that you made a decision that you felt was right for you based on the knowledge you have at that point in time

Decision making is scary, but it is important and saves you time and energy down the line because you’re not spending extra mental energy second guessing every move you’re making

Already forecasting the potential down falls and whether or not it’s worth it for you to make this decision, it’s exhausting

Decisiveness leads to productivity because you’re committing to one option and then taking the necessary steps to see it through – it takes confidence and full belief in yourself and your capabiltiies that you can resolve any sticky situation you may find yourself in

I will say that a massive part of being decisive is having your goals and values clearly outlined because it forces you to priotize what you want most in your life which also leaves you less time for second guessing

Second guessing comes from choosing a path that is out of alignment for the life you’re trying to build

Your goals and values are in alignment for you and what you want and help you stand by your own choices

Your goals and values will lead you down the right path every time because you are deciding based on what is most importnat to you in that moment

And know that your goals and values can change, your priorities can get rearranged as you enter different life stages, so stay focused on what’s going on in your life right now and what direction you want to actively choose to go

Because no one else is coming to do it for you

But hopefully now you feel at least a little more capable when it comes time to make a big scary deicsion and please know that if you every need to just talk it out with someone, aka me, then just shoot me an email at coach.jessdiamond@gmail.com which is also located in the show notes and I’d be happy to gift you a free 30 minute coaching call

Otherwise, this does conclude another episode of how to twenty-something, if you liked what you heard, if you were able to make a deicsion based on what you heard or know someone who is indecisive, then please share this episode, send it to a friend, post it on your story and tag me at coach.jessdiamond when you do 

And as always, I can’t wait to be in your headphones again next week with another brand new episode